JGWTF

Quiet, isn’t it, Joseph Gordon-Levitt?

We’ve left you alone for quite a long time. Left you to your own devices. Hoped that maybe you’d done some thinking about yourself, some thinking about what you’ve done to us all, and amend your wicked ways.

But then I found this, and I tell you I cannot stand for it. CANNOT STAND. I don’t know what’s going to happen, now that this is in my life. I want it on my iPod. I want it playing on a playlist consisting solely of your cover of this song. I want to fall asleep to it, and you know what, I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS, JOE. I have other things I should be doing, and you are ruining that single handedly.

I hope you are satisfied with yourself.

04.14.11 ♥ 2

hahaah i love this site and i think you guys are awesome architects!! BUT why have there been no new posts for sooo long? i still don't see an answer to the questions you pose. and we need answers!!

Asked by Anonymous

http://www.imdb.com/media/rm3605763840/nm0330687

We began to lose our minds a bit, in the fight…in the dream within the dream. Also, we gave him a break for the holidays.

But! Observe above! This cannot stand. Thank you for your concern and vigilance and we promise in the New Year, we won’t let him just walk around like this, bein’ all awesome. We will call him out every time he makes an adorable face at a camera.

BECAUSE IT’S RIDICULOUS AND UNFAIR.

Happy Holidays,
Architect 1 and Architect 2

12.28.10 ♥ 0

I want your drama, the touch of your hand.

just when i thought it was safe to, you know, live a semi-peaceful existence and maybe have a little bit of sanity— i log on to face book and see a little video architect 1 has posted of you, Joe, singing your own little version of “Bad Romance” and generally being so GODDAMNED ADORABLE that the WORLD AS I KNOW IT HAS COLLAPSED.

COLLAPSED, JOE. How many times did I listen to “Bad Romance” today? one may ask. About 8. 8 times I listened to that song. I love that song. I feel close to that song. I understand that effing song and it is mine and Lady Gaga’s and a million other peoples but— my life was complete. Me, my ipod, “Bad Romance” while I while away the time at the gym.

But then, you. You, and your perfect fitting t-shirt, you and your perfectly shaped head, you and your earth shattering smile have to pick up your stupid guitar and interpret “Bad Romance” because it’s cute, and fun, and YOU HAVE SO MUCH CREATIVE ENERGY YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOURSELF. And it also occurs to me, i would probably listen to you sing anything, Joe. You wanna sing the menu at Taco Bell? I will listen to it. You wanna sing all the shit written on the bathroom wall at some dive bar in the village? I will listen to it. (And that would actually be very entertaining. but I digress.) But for you to take a perfect pop song such as “Bad Romance” and make it even MORE PERFECT by deconstructing and restructuring and ACTUALLY GIVING THE WORDS HEFT— you just went too far, Joe. You went a little too far. If you have soooooo much creative energy to spare that you need to do things that set my mind reeling- let me give you a little assignment, bro; why don’t you sit down with me and explain JUST WHO EXACTLY YOU THINK YOU ARE??

You can do it in prose. You can do it in a series of 127 perfectly formed haiku. Just please, for the love of god, answer the question.

09.07.10 ♥ 1

christ on a cracker, this is one of the funniest things to read. please keep posting, architects!

Asked by Anonymous

Ah, we thank you! Don’t worry, after a small hiatus, we have a few slam-bang posts coming up for you, including our problems with (500) Days of Summer and a picture that sent us into near-religious ecstasy.

Be assured, we won’t let him get away with this crap.

09.04.10 ♥ 0

Call Me Commander

GI WTF, Joe?

This was my first thought upon learning that you were Rex “The Doctor” Lewis (more commonly known as COBRA COMMANDER) in the very loud and very visually assaulting GI Joe movie. Why would you, Indie Darling Branded JGL, agree to do this thing. DID YOU REALLY DO THIS THING?!

Yes, you did. And you did it well. KNOCK ME OVER WITH A FEATHER MOTHERFUCKER, you actually pulled it off. You made me believe that even I would accept this role if presented with it, because it looked like so much fun. The gleam in your eyes was apparent as you hissed lines like “you have to suffer for science.” It looked like you were grinning with child-like joy under that ridiculous mask. You were STILL HOT with your face under all that makeup. JUST STOP.

JOKE’S ON ME, AGAIN, JOE. Because I watched that heinously overblown monstrosity and I’ll watch the sequels. Because I would probably watch you read Harry Knowles’ grocery list. It doesn’t seem to matter.

Call you Commander?

WHATEVER YOU WANT, DUDE.

08.20.10 ♥ 4

Brick and I’m Drowning Slowly

I want to yell at you, Joe. I feel like it’s one of my life’s goals to yell at you for BEING SO FUCKING AWESOME. But really, I’m just a little stunned by Brick. You go to Columbia to take a break from acting and study history, literature, and FRENCH POETRY and then you come back and make this beautiful film?

When I was young, much like other children, my mother would consistently say “What am I going to do with you?”

Seriously. What am I going to do with you?

DON’T ANSWER THAT. (Meaning, no, Architect 1: don’t follow that train of thought. You have me talking to myself.)

You, hovering so close to that girl’s lips, saying things like “angel” and hushed accusations, delivered in a harsh whisper from the corner of your mouth smeared with dried blood is simply TOO MUCH FOR ME TO BEAR.

You’re quite a pill, Joe. QUITE. A. PILL.

08.11.10 ♥ 2

you cannot get away with this.

So…Premium Rush. An action thriller set for 2011 in which you play a bike messenger. Well, fuck. So now I’m looking at all this pictures of you, being hot, with a chain around your waist and traipsing about Manhattan on your bike. Whatever. All that becomes certain to me, Joe, in looking at these stills, is that you are able to rock a nice, worn in vintage t-shirt on gritty urban streets just as well as the killer—KILLER—wardrobe in inception. And then, what? You’re just going to smile? You’re just going to LAUGH? You are sincerely laughing in a sweet vintage t-shirt and what are you laughing at? The awesome power you have over the world? Your absolute security in holding US ALL IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND??

So Premium Rush? I’ll watch it. I think it is a dumb title, like something Christian Slater would have done in the 80’s, but I happen to know through your blog that you hurt yourself, YOU BLED FOR THIS MOVIE, YOU SUFFERED FOR YOUR ART, and that is just irri-fucking-sistable to me. So you’re just going to smile and laugh, and bleed for your art, and I’m going to watch you. Probably twice. So go ahead, laugh, look sincere and perfect and so goddamned attractive in that t-shirt—but just remember. You are going to have to explain yourself. And at this point, I need an explanation for your entire being. It’s probably going to take a while. Hilarious, isn’t it? I have the time, dude. I will be ready to effing listen.

08.09.10 ♥ 3

How to Drop them Without Gravity

The Architects went on a research mission today, to see Inception for the second time. They were looking for clues. What happened? How did it happen? Could we have stopped it from happening?

The answer is no. The answer is no, possibly to all of those questions. You are free to interpret the intonation with which this “no” would be uttered.

We are no closer to the truth, with both JGWTF and Inception itself. (Hey Nolan, give us a call.) The only revelation that we had while viewing this delicious monstrosity for the second time is that it is partially an ode to the Retrosexual. (The Architects prefer Definition #6 on Urban Dictionary, if you’re keeping track.)

It’s not the fine tailoring. It’s not the perfect styling choices. It’s not Christopher Nolan’s obviously honed sense of fashion and composition. Yes, Leonardo DiCaprio looks OKAY, but it’s nothing as VISUALLY ASSAULTING as our antagonist.

It’s you, JG. You. YOU AND YOUR VOODOO.

“How do I drop them without gravity?” he whispers with the anxiously deep voice of Arthur, The Point Man.

Congrats, Joe. Both you and your character have it figured out. One glance from you drops ‘em without gravity. With or without the elevator, you stack us and bind us.

It’s getting absurd, dude. Will it ever stop? We will ever have the answers? HELP. HELP US UNDERSTAND.

08.08.10 ♥ 0

And just what in the hell is this?

Joe. I don’t even know what the hell it is you’re doing here. I mean, I can see, jesus, clearly you are hanging from some unknown tether while your lithe, shirtless body is covered in, what looks to me, little EKG electrodes or perhaps some sort of weird pressure point topographical mapping. I don’t know what this means, or who the photographer was, or what this session was for. All I know is it KIND OF HURTS MY BRAIN DUDE. I also just read somewhere that you ‘hate celebrity’ and ‘resent’ being in the spotlight— (at least during your post-3rd Rock- 10 Things I Hate About You period…and also, may I say, how freaking adorable you are in that movie? but anyway.) You hate it, you resent it, BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH YOU? You look really, really good in clothes, Joe, but I am starting to fear you look good without them as well.

And well. Doesn’t that just create a whole new slew of problems for me. Problems which YOU ARE TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR. YOU, AND YOUR FACE, AND YOUR…TOPOGRAPHICAL ELECTRODES OR PRESSURE POINT EKG BARE-CHESTED PERFECTION. I wish I could say I no longer care. But oh. I care. I care. A lot.

Answers, sir. ANSWERS.

08.07.10 ♥ 0

Don’t look at me like that.

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT. Thank you, Lady Gaga, for the words to express what I could not convey upon viewing of this photo.

I have discovered that the previous pic that Architect 2 posted (you remember, hand/thigh, Claudia Schiffer) is from a series that was in GQ. There’s one more from that session that will appear on JGWTF, but it’s not yet time. First, let’s go over this one.

Your tie matches your vest. I feel like I should find this annoying, but somehow you manage to make it look perfect. It as if whatever clothing touches your body becomes instantly, SARTORIALLY PERFECT.

I notice you have a remote in your hand. What are we watching, Joe?

Watch THIS, mister. It’s me, giving you the middle finger for continuing to pull these stunts.

08.07.10 ♥ 2